PHILOSOPHY OF HAPPINESS

 

 A THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL EXAMINATION BY MARTIN JANELLO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

V. LOST OR UNFOUND

 

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LOVE KNOWING LOVE

PHILOSOPHICAL QUOTES & POEMS

look

she said

avoiding my eyes

 

 

 

head resting muscles tensed

she felt like a baby deer

torn between the warmth

and ensnarement

of unfamiliar human embrace

so he set her free

 

 

 

i was there

waiting

we lost a great time

 

 

 

too much has happened

to start anew

no more of the trust

i once had in you

 

 

 

all had failed

quietly gazed

calmly walked

not turning around

toward the chance of love to be found

 

 

 

you opened all doors of my heart

now icy winds are blowing through

nobody’s home

 

 

 

i will always remember you

he said signaling

she was dead to him

 

 

 

lost love calls for surgery

to live with yourself again

but after unsuccessful trials

you settle for its demotion

 

 

 

she cries

i could have saved him

mourning being alive

still contortions for giving in

seem greater sacrifice

 

 

 

oh no not we

we were bulletproof

until we let it happen

 

 

 

could say goodbye

a million times

it would not change a thing

 

 

 

millions of waves

have curled on by

and i surfed quite a few

then you had me crashing

from way up high

still don’t know what to do

 

 

 

traveling different circles now

sidestepping when they cross

recalling they lost direction somehow

establishing who was boss

 

 

 

falling in love

i devoted my senses

solely to feeling her

she left me in utter deprivation

devoid of myself and care

 

 

 

can’t thank you enough

for your goodbye

i met her moving on

 

 

 

the weight of lone love

was crushing him

until she let him go

now days are gray

and his light is dim

but slowly rekindling its glow

 

 

 

sick of love with her

then and now she’s gone

wish there were an antidote

 

 

 

she said seven

at the old bridge tower

but she never came

 

 

 

i had her as much

as one can have another

but did not know

what that meant

 

 

 

refusing acceptance

she had a new life

he told everybody she died

 

 

 

thinking it sounded devout

he claimed to love her for her soul

as if her body was without

a part less worthy than the other

his pious demeanor became a bother

 

 

 

how do you say

goodbye

to someone

who’s already left

 

 

 

not a word

not a look

not a touch

it’s senseless

 

 

 

waiting for a better train

or deeming herself a destination

she missed her connection

and now lives at the station

 

 

 

she left him claiming

he was wanting

she left him wanting

to claim her

 

 

 

high in years

she confided in me

she had spurned

the love of her life

he had foretold

how contrite she would be

when she departed in strife

 

 

 

You had me at goodbye.

 

 

 

it crossed her mind

to cross the sea

this crossed a line

he crossed her plan

but crossed his heart

when she got cross

a cross he has to bear

 

 

 

go home she said

as if i still had one

apart from her

 

 

 

reversed love

the coldest frost

 

 

 

bristling distance

are you ok

he should not have asked her

into the cafe

now that she was just crying

 

 

 

fighting for someone

to love you

is senseless

love happens

or not

when you

show yourself

but that

you must do

to find love

 

 

 

she fervently asked

why don’t you love me

he was ashamed

not having an answer

 

 

 

don’t cry

how you loved her

but didn’t dare show

true love would have found a way

 

 

 

shallow affinities may end

but deeper love does not

even enmity and hate

can't let it completely rot

 

 

 

she resisted admitting

it was over

pretending her fear of him

was love

 

 

 

all he wanted now

was to forget her

and even forget

that he forgot

 

 

 

upon losing her

he kept tiredly roaming

searching to fill

the void in his being

 

 

 

crushed roses

honesty too soon

you should have

let them wither

 

 

 

you’ve kept silent

all this time

while i left something

that was mine

my hope i need it back

 

 

 

apricot skin and flesh

her core poisonous as well

he had to have all of her still

 

 

 

now he’s on

to his second wife

because she is not

what he made his first

 

 

 

he watched sports

until his life ended

she’s taking classes

to forget

 

 

 

heading toward golf

with her bowl-bellied husband

secretly wished she could go

with the runners

 

 

 

i thought

you were reaching

to touch my heart

but you kept walking

right through

 

 

 

An unnerving prospect of falling in love is that we will carry the person affecting us so deeply in our heart for a lifetime, even if our feelings change.

 

 

 

not being able to be with

or without someone

five purgatories of love

 

 

 

The most brutal feature of nature’s programming is falling in love and not being caught in the arms of the other, not even to break the fall.

 

 

 

sweetness

she stuck to me

during the night

in daylight she denied

 

 

 

i opened a door

to her demons

she slammed it close

to protect me or them

 

 

 

silent girl

jailed in herself

wishing she could escape

he tried to reach her

to set her free

defenses

kept shutting her gate

 

 

 

she wanted to burn them

though he was gone

his love letters still seemed alive

 

 

 

i had only love for her

she said it wasn’t enough

 

 

 

many flee into love

as a refuge from

a loveless world

how sad

and what a burden

 

 

 

don’t hold my hand

she snipped as we walked

i’m certainly not blind

 

 

 

i remember

phone numbers of women

whose names and features

i long forgot

 

 

 

approaching the ferry

lone stretch of highway

grass waving golden

late afternoon heat

couple in sports car

tearing past me

could not help wishing

to be in his seat

 

 

 

he did his best

to refute affection

for fear of obligation

 

 

 

Fate made alternate arrangements.

 

 

 

i once knew a girl

who should have been you

saving me

lots of grief

 

 

 

going where we

were with lovers

deathly haunting

of ourselves

 

 

 

chestnut flower and lilac scent

lay heavy on evening air

i walked alone the path we went

heard people laughing somewhere

 

 

 

lonely fenced gardens

dogs barking at me

in familiar language

 

 

 

i’ve missed you

since we failed to meet

but in my dreams we’re joined

 

 

 

he tended her

waiting for her

to thrive and open

ignoring

she had been

cut and dried

 

 

 

rows of lit windows

to warm better worlds

i walk cold streets

as long as it hurts

 

 

 

really

she said

when he told her

he loved her

it was all for naught

 

 

 

he held on to the pain

of losing her

the last feeling about her he had

 

 

 

i was not there

when all else was

regrets

i could not see

 

 

 

once she flooded

his every sense

his hope finally died

when she left

his dreams

 

 

 

he imagines her presence

every spring when peonies

open to dew-filled breezes

 

 

 

her kiss set my world on fire

for her it was more

like kicking a tire

 

 

 

staying away from her

after confessing his love

nearly killed him

he knew he had to though

if this was ever to be

 

 

 

please

she implored him

please

he brushed her off

 

 

 

she did not want him

headed for war

he shot two kids

who did not stop their car

she called him her hero

being back

as if his heart

had not thrice broken yet

 

 

 

the loneliest place is

where he used to live

 

 

 

she did not open her door anymore

for resenting the sound of the bell

 

 

 

the hardest trial in life

is living without someone

one cannot live without

 

 

 

opening window

train leaving station

another caught up

track next to mine

a girl held a hand out

we touched for a moment

i asked how are you

she smiled and said fine

 

 

 

touch rarest form of communication

 

 

 

filled with love

that no one wanted

she had to kill it to survive

 

 

 

her sweetness

was frosting

on cold ambition

his cool demeanor

a shield

over tremors

 

 

 

relinquishing integrity

demanding reciprocity

banes of romantic love

 

 

 

how could it be

you held out for me

to ruin someone’s life

 

 

 

we could have been friends

had she let me down easy

but she did not care for my heart

 

 

 

she claims no recall

to mask the pain

of trying to forget

what must have happened

no one knows

she’s keeping it like that

 

 

 

grateful

you filled

my heart with love

sorry

its burning to ashes

left you cold

hopeful

i rose today

to move on

 

 

 

i carried a poem

that perfectly reflected

my feelings and thoughts

about you and me

but searching for it lately

i cannot find it anymore

 

 

 

finally ready

confessing my love

she’s ready for moving on

 

 

 

this time was different

they could not return

 

 

 

she asked me threateningly

not to love you

now we’re not married anymore

 

 

 

She sometimes tried to imagine love.

 

 

 

your love will never satisfy me

to where i want to settle down

my demons send me

down the highway

to try my luck in some other town

 

 

 

he pushed

and pulled

until she left

so he could declare

he kept holding on

 

 

 

if i could touch her world

would her bubble burst

 

 

 

unhappy and lost

she thought

judging and dismissing

would find her what she wanted

yet for this reason

what she wanted

continued to escape

 

 

 

she was not hearing

frantically tearing

voices screaming

in her head

he was repeating

how much he loved her

she responded

i wish i were dead

 

 

 

if you let a lover go

be merciful

gently crush all their hopes

 

 

 

lacking courage

to follow her heart

scanning for defects

until she finds them

no prince appears

she sleeps hundred years

 

 

 

a couple eating silently

because everything

has been said

 

 

 

the feeling went away

she knew not what to say

he tried to make her stay

but had lost all sway

 

 

 

senses head and heart

all signal matches

for positive imaginations

how will we handle disappointment

 

 

 

loathing her heart for hanging on

steadfastly through the pain

knowing all hope has long been gone

thinking she must be insane

 

 

 

they keep telling her

to forget him

that she must start a new life

when all her cells hold a secret code

avowing her oath as his wife

 

 

 

sense of a dog finding mate or master

butterfly’s grit migrating the earth

sailor tied to a mast in disaster

she did not give up

until giving birth

 

 

 

why does holding you lately

feel like embracing myself

 

 

 

she says she

was not ready then

but i am not ready now

 

 

 

she wanted to love him

and gave it some time

while truth was staring her down

 

 

 

hard rain falling

cleansing nature

she wished she could

cast off the roof

and open her body

to wash all of him away

 

 

 

no use

for this circus

she’ll never perceive you

you’re not the attraction

she’s looking for

 

 

 

avoiding her

as a reminder

of his failings

 

 

 

he had to let go

since she never responded

but maybe something prevented her

hope’s lie to despairing existence

 

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© 2013-2017 BY MARTIN JANELLO

Drawing in black ink of an open daisy flower facing the viewer. The daisy is the symbol of the Philosophy of Happiness book.

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